The rules are the rules. No talking. No checking in. Maybe a holiday and a birthday, but never a phone call, only a text. There’s no Facebook. No Twitter. No online chatting. No emailing. Not even a late-night whatsapp message to say hi. Day-to-day business, I don’t need to know. Week in, week out, what are you up to? None of my concern. The rules are the rules. I understand them. I follow them. But the other day, I was thinking, what if something big, good or bad, happens? Am I to know? Won’t you tell me? Would you break the silence with a single whatsapp line, or would I find out months later?

Probably not and that’s fine. I understand. The rules. I remember. Still, when my phone lights up, sometimes I imagine it’s you sending a whatsapp ping, even though I know it never is. But please remember this: I still hope you’re doing well, and that is what I always assume, that you’re doing okay for yourself and you don’t need me for anything at all. But sometimes I wonder about you. What if you weren’t doing well, and things weren’t working out quite the way you planned, would you call me? Probably not. I know there’s someone new and they’re the one getting the call when you need someone the most. Maybe they get the late-night whatsapp calls I used to get. That’s fine. Let him have that, but hey, just so you know, I care too. Put me down on that list of people who give a damn when your life is changing in the most beautiful or most ugly ways. I want to know. Not because I’m nosy, but because I care. Even if all you ever sent was a single line on whatsapp, I’d be glad to know.

I never stopped caring about you. I never stopped caring about, you know, your life. We just broke up and decided not to be each other’s other. We stopped working at it, but my heart never stopped working. And yes, there are nights I’ve typed out long whatsapp messages, only to delete them before sending. What I’m trying to say is…we never talk, but I still care. I need you to know that. If the rules ever allowed it, I’d probably break them with a whatsapp note that just says: “I hope you’re okay.” Yeah, I know, I said I missed you. But nobody’s talking about missing anybody today. That’s a fleeting feeling. It comes. It goes. It has nothing to do with what I’m writing today. Sometimes, though, even a short whatsapp reply saying “I’m fine” would ease the wondering.

Today, I’m talking about caring and how I still do that thing for you. From the moment I started I never stopped. The caring never fled. And whether or not you see it, even silence feels louder when whatsapp keeps reminding me your profile picture hasn’t changed in months. I care about you, and not just one you. All of you, who have ever been in my life long enough for me to care in the first place. I still care in this new place, the one that exists without you right by my side. I know we don’t talk anymore. I know we don’t text or email. I know…the rules. But even with the rules, whatsapp makes it too easy to wonder, too tempting to reach out. I just needed you to know, all of you to know, I still care. I never stopped. And I sincerely hope, you never did either. Even if you never say it out loud, even if it never comes through on whatsapp, I still believe some part of you cares too.